Spreadsheet Questions and Answers

Q. What's the difference between Quattro Pro and a 2400-baud modem?
A. At this time next year, people will still be using 2400-baud modems.

Q. Why did Microsoft develop Access?
A. To make Excel seem faster.

Q. How do you identify an extroverted spreadsheet user?
A. He looks at your shoes when he talks to you.

Q. Why do people keep a copy of 1-2-3 for DOS on their car's dashboard?
A. So they can park in the handicapped parking spaces.

Q. Why did the fellow bury his copy of Quattro Pro for DOS 50 feet in the ground?
A. Because deep down, it's really a good product.

Q. What do spreadsheet developers use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.

Q. If you're a 1-2-3 user, what does MACRO stand for?
A. Messy And Confusing Repeated Operation.

Q. Did you hear that former V.P. Dan Quayle is taking a new job as Corel's spreadsheet product manager?
A. His first job is to change the product name: Quattroe Proe.

Q. What's the name of the new skin care product that Procter & Gamble has developed for MS Office VBA developers?
A. Oil of OLE.

Q. How many Excel Tech Support technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One - But only if "light bulbs" can be found in the Microsoft Knowledge Base.

Q. Why didn't Microsoft implement multithreading in Excel 97?
A. The designers decided that one bug at a time was enough for most users.

Q. Why were spreadsheets invented?
A. In order to make word processors appear to be bug-free in comparison.

Q. Why would OJ Simpson make a good spokesman for 1-2-3?
A. Because he has many things in common with 1-2-3:
His popularity peaked many years ago
He's good with the slash
He's very familiar with cells
He has experience with products that nobody wants to buy
He's spent a lot of time @COURT

Q. What is the most frequent question asked by a would-be spreadsheet consultant?
A. "Would you like fries with that?"

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