* Anonymous Quotes *
"Old heroes never die; they reappear in sequels."
-- Anonymous
"A friend is someone who will help you move; A good friend is someone who will help you move a body."
-- Anonymous
"One day I was laying in bed, looking to the stars, and asked myself: where the hell has my roof gone to?"
-- Anonymous
"Is that a hint?"
-- comment on a Friend being given condoms for her birthday
"When you steal an idea from one source, it's plagiarism. When you do it from a bunch of sources, that's research."
-- from a college orientation Seminar
"Being a woman is terribly difficult since it principally consists of dealing with men."
-- on Someone's door in my hall
"Sure--what you're about to see is a pornographic film on how a bill becomes a law."
-- Government Teacher, trying to get attention
"World's finest whiskey made from Scotland's finest grapes."
-- Japanese whisky advert
"The pilot of the fighter, Captain Kim Yong-bae, was reported to have ejaculated shortly before the crash."
-- Korea Times
"I wish to thank anyone who so kindly assisted in the death of my husband."
-- Notice in Nebraska Smoke-Eater
"Three day boat trip to Denmark. Kids we throw in for free."
-- News of the World
"Let's have spontaneous fun, and here's how."
-- Singapore Times
"No entry except for access."
-- sign in Victoria Street, London
* Signed Quotes *
"A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools."
-- Douglas Adamsial
"Good luck, Mr. Gorsky!"
-- Neil Armstrong (July 20, 1969)
"From what we get, we can make a living; what we give, however, makes a life."
-- Arthur Ashe
"The slow-motion replay doesn't show how fast the ball was really travelling."
-- Richie Banaud, BBC TV cricket
"The opposite of war isn't peace -- it's creation!"
-- "La Vie Boheme B," from Rent
"Laughter is the closest distance between two people."
-- Victor Borge
"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall down an open manhole cover and die."
-- Mel Brooks
"In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back."
-- Charlie Brown
"Tact is just not saying true stuff. I'll pass."
-- Cordelia (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
"It's not what you think!"
"You like to look at the semi-nude engravings?"
"Oh, well, I guess it is what you think."
-- Xander and Willow (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
"There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start and so on..."
-- Robert Byrne
"Be like a duck. Calm on the surface, but always paddling like the dickens underneath."
-- Michael Caine
"I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself."
-- Johnny Carson
"Nottingham Forest are having a bad run, they've lost six matches without winning."
-- David Coleman, BBC TV football
"There's a mistake on the scoreboard. They're only showing his Christian names - Ismail Ibrahim."
-- David Coleman
"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is to try to please everyone."
-- Bill Cosby
"The man who rolls up his sleeves seldom loses his shirt."
-- Thomas Cowan
"What's money? A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do."
-- Bob Dylan
"If I had only known, I would have become a locksmith."
-- Albert Einstein
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
-- Albert Einstein
"The only way to have a friend is to be one."
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Why, some men are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them."
-- Feste, Twelfth Night, Act V, scene i
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
-- Benjamin Franklin
Ross: I've been given the gift of time!
Chandler: Well, that's funny, because last Christmas I got the gift of space. We should get them together and make a continuum.
-- "Friends"
"By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day."
-- Robert Frost
"I never predict anything and I never will do."
-- Paul Gascoigne
"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
-- Bill Gates (1981)
"Enemies are so stimulating."
-- Katherine Hepburn
"What do you despise? By this are you truly known."
-- Frank Herbert, Dune
"I can't be expected to answer for the crimes of my predecessors!"
"Of course not. You're not even wearing socks!"
-- from an Honors 101 presentation
"So you think that the Irish are biologically inferior?"
"No, they're just drunk."
-- also from said presentation
"Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped."
-- Sam Levenson (1911-1980)
"Pay attention to your dreams: when you go on a trip, in your dreams you will still be home. Then after you've come home you'll dream of where you were. It's a kind of jet lag of the consciousness."
-- Barbara Kingsolver, Animal Dreams
"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power."
-- Abraham Lincoln
"Who's more foolish? The fool, or the fool who follows him?"
-- George Lucas
"I have no weakness for shoes. I wear very simple shoes, which are pump shoes. It is not one of my weaknesses."
-- Imelda Marcos
"I could never belong to a club that would have somebody like me for a member."
-- Groucho Marx
"There's no such thing as 'too late!' That's why they invented death!"
-- Walter Matthau, "Out to Sea"
"Sadly, the immortal Jackie Milburn died today."
-- Cliff Morgan
"If it's too loud, you're too old."
-- Ted Nugent
"[Your benefits have been denied because of your death.] If you believe that this information is not correct, please contact Social Security."
-- Official letter from Medicare, denying benefits to a retired housekeeper (1993)
"The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity."
-- Ellen Parr
"We are no longer the knights who say 'Ni.' We are now the knights who say 'Ikki Ikki Ikki Ikki, P'tang Zoopdah blohlfdsjfdslkjn. (Ni!)"
-- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
"While you struggle with that computer, I'm naked, clueless, and fe-e-e-eling GOOD!"
-- Ratbert
"Mulder, I just want to remind you that by not informing the local PD, we are in violation state laws prohibiting contamination of a crime scene." (as Mulder ignores her) "Why do I bother?"
-- Dana Scully, "The X-Files: The Beginning"
"I try to reach into your page and bring it back, but life is a trick, life is a kitten in a sack.."
-- Anne Sexton, "Some Foreign Letters"
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
-- Brooke Shields
"Wisdom begins in wonder."
-- Socrates
"Dave, my mind is going! I can feel it! I can feel it!"
-- 2001: A Space Odyssey
"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."
-- Lily Tomlin
"The difference between friends cannot but reinforce their friendship."
-- Mao Tse-Tung
"Jazz is just a series of mistakes without the 'oops!'."
-- Nigel Tufnell
"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it, which is identical."
-- Murray Walker
"Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead."
-- The Warner Brothers
"You can't have everything... where would you put it?"
-- Steven Wright
"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together..."
-- Carl Zwanzig
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